This is where I am.

I haven't been blogging. (If you're a blogger, you know the thing about not being one of those people who blog about not blogging. Sorry.) I've had a lot going on, lately - physically and mentally.
I keep playing phone tag with UNC medicaid eligibility councilors. They call me and I miss it. I call them back and leave a message.
Laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, I did 3 crossword puzzles, a Jumble and a Find a Word. I then began picking up books - some I've read, some I haven't - and skimming through them. "Juliette" by the Marquis de Sade. "Mansfield Park" by Jane Austen. "The Sound and the Fury" By Will.i.am Faulkner. And some others. I couldn't make heads or tails of the opening chapter of "The Sound and the Fury." Who are these interchanging people? What the heck are they talking about? Maybe it was just me, but that book - at least the beginning - is a mess. And those "southern" accents!
My sister loaned me the book "The Flags of Our Fathers." It's about the men who raised the flag on Iwo Jima in WWII (yes, that famous photo), after what was probably the most bloody battle in history. I'm not much of a war or history buff, but it was a good read. It makes you feel ashamed to complain about anything, after what those guys went through.
I slept a little last night, without a sleep aid - although it was after 3 o'clock before I dozed.
I got a message from a friend of mine who suggested, "Let's do something fun this weekend." That's part of my problem. No one understands that fun is out of the question for me at this point. I'm just trying to get to the point where I can go to the grocery store without fear of something happening.
I'm on coumadin now, so I have to be tested weekly. My blood level has to be within a very tight range. I went to a small clinic in a nearby town to be tested. It's a first come/first serve clinic. I described it in an earlier post, but I'm going to reiterate my experience. I was there before they opened the door. No one really acknowledged me. The place is awful. It looks dirty and it smells funny. The nurses and office girls were crowded into the little reception booth eating breakfast. Someone came to the front door, stuck his head in and called out someone's name. "Tell her I got a new dog." The whole office rushed out to see the dog - even the PA (there is no doctor there).
I finally got my blood test done. This was Friday. "Call back Tuesday," they said (it was the Easter weekend). Ok. I called back Tuesday. They were closed. I guess they decided to take an extra day off. I called back Wednesday. "Call back this afternoon," they said. I called later that day. "Call back tomorrow." It was Friday before I got my results. One week.
I changed to a doctor's office up the road. Good idea.
This place is new and clean and everyone is very professional. The doctor was confident and knowledgeable. He called me the next day (a real doctor actually called me - himself) after my coumadin check (the results of which I got back in one day) and said I may have a thyroid problem. That would mean more medication. And it's the amiodarone that I'm currently taking that's probably causing the problem.
That sucks, but at least he caught it. That other place should be shut down.
I'm no longer receiving unemployment compensation. I can't be on that and apply for disability. I'm in a scary place, right now. Nothing is for sure and there's no money coming in. And, here's a funny thing that's happening: I have no money, but my bills keep getting bigger. More drugs. My car insurance has doubled. More doctor visits. And, of course, the price of gas.
How am I feeling? Other than being really concerned and feeling as if my future has been wiped out, I'm doing a little better. Maybe I'm adjusting to the meds. Of course, I'll soon have MORE meds to adjust to. It just never ends.
My sister keeps saying, "Take one day at a time." It's so hard to live that way. Robert Duvall tells his nephew, in "A Family Thing," that the secret to life is to have something to look forward to. That no longer feels like an option to me.