So. You think this is easy?

So.
You think this is easy? Getting up each day? Trying to put aside the knowledge that everything is coming apart at the seams and elsewhere? Being alien in your own world?

"I feel so depraved and helpless."

January Morning was as lost as a man could be. He had no spiritual grounding - no firm beliefs in anything. Conviction was a useless word to him. While he had prided himself on not seeing things in black and white, his now constant grey perception was overwhelming. "If you don't stand for something," the bumper sticker read, "you'll fall for anything." Something was calling for him to make a stand - to carve out some tenet - but, he was clueless as to where to begin.

"Who would have thought it would turn out like this?" thought January. He actually thought in complete sentences like that. Sometimes he had conversations with some other personality in his head.
"I would have."
"I doubt that..."
He also dreamt in color. Techno-color. His dreams contained camera angles and edits. January liked order, when he could get it.
"I'm 40 years old," he continued, while rummaging around his closet floor. "I'm divorced, alone, with a dead end job, no family and living just above the poverty level. I'm a lost cause..." he trailed off - this time with no mental second party rebuttal.

January pulled a plastic milk crate out of the deepest recesses of his closet and searched through its dusty contents - trying to find his birth certificate. What he found, however, were some long lost note books - not quite journals - not at all what he was looking for - filled with potentially embarrassing, yet oddly fascinating entries. This discovery, of course, put the original mission on the proverbial back burner. Rather indefinitely.

There was a time when the world was wondrous to him. Full of mystery and magic. Art, music, books excited him. Inspired him. But, that was long ago. Those feelings had been bludgeoned down. He was numb. Passionless. Jaded. Jaded was how he referred to himself. He had long ago opened Pandora's box. Took a big bite out of the apple. You can't close that box. You can't put that apple back on the tree.
Citing the indigenous fruit in the region in which they think Eden existed, some theologians say it wasn't an apple at all, but a fig. Some say if it says apple, then it was an apple. Some religious folks are nuts...