Mon. night 12/9/02

There was a moment yesterday when it struck me that I might actually be losing my mind. I might be on the downward spiral.
All of the quirks and free thinking of my younger days, that seemed so innocent and adventurous and necessary and right(!), have now become sad and unnerving antisocial behaviour.
It's always been a badge of honor with me to push things to the limit - to stare into the sun ('cause mama, that's where the fun is...). But, I now feel that enough is enough and if I am to survive - both physically and psychicly - I've got to reign this shit in. Somehow.

I just grabbed my trusty dictionary to check on the correct spelling of a word I used above (it's "psychically") and it fell open to page 177 with the word "Buddhism" staring me in the face. As it was the last definition on the page, it was also at the top of the page. There was no escaping it. What's weird is that I had been thinking about Buddhism for some time and was actually thinking about it as I was writing.
A sign?
You know me. I have to be hit over the head.

Buddhism (bood'iz.em, boo' da)
n. A mystical and ascetic religious faith of eastern Asia, founded in northern India by Buddha in the sixth century B.C., teaching that the ideal state of Nirvana is reached by right living and believing and peace of mind through meditation.

I've been oddly depressed lately. I've been thinking about how I've perfected the act of keeping the world at bay.
Isolation as an art form.

But, I'm here and I'm alive and for that I have to say "Thank You!"

We're all trying. We're doing the best we can.