This, that, both, and neither.

The witching hour. I'm still up. I wish I WERE a witch - of the Samantha Stevens variety. I'd fix some shit, for sure.
I feel as if I live in the past. I don't know how to live in the new world. I look at pictures in old magazines and think, "Things were so much simpler, so much better, then." Things made sense. There was more concision.
It feels like my life is already over - that I'm a ghost of my former self. Everything seems pointless.
Nobody wants to hear this kind of talk. I don't want to hear it myself. But, I have to say the words. I don't think I even have to express these feelings to turn people off. I believe they can sense it - the doom in my soul. They give me a wide berth. No one wants to be tainted.
I can understand that. I don't want to taint anyone.
I'm ill prepared to live in the world. I got off to a bad start. Then came the slippery slope and the snowballing, and so on and so forth. Yadda yadda yadda.
If there is a god, why didn't he give me a gift? How did he expect a talentless hack to make it on this crazy planet? But then, why should I be anything other than a member of the expendable masses?
It feels like my whole life has been a huge question that I can't quite articulate. One big, half a century long, fever dream. There's buzzing and humming and impressions and sensations that can't be put into words.
Is love the answer? The Beatles said it was all you need. I don't know if I could ever love someone again. It seems like a symptom of youth. And, as lonely as I am, I also need my solitude. I think it's this kind of duality that the Tao Te Ching grappled with. (It's hard to wrap your head around the concept of something being this, that, both and neither.)
I'm going to bed.